July 29, 2016
A brief note from my phone. Months ago.
February 25, 2016 to be exact.
I miss the Husband who was responsive to my concerns, who helped me when I was sad. Who didn’t ignore me when I was crying. The Husband who told me I was beautiful every time he saw me. The Husband who was so certain about our relationship. I miss the Husband who told me that no one would love and cherish me like he would. I miss the Husband who told me he would never leave. That Husband hasn’t been here the last year or so and I miss him. I miss the Liz that I could be when I was secure in knowing that Husband loved me and would keep me safe. The Liz that was looking forward to having kids with Husband. The Liz who worked through hard things with Husband by her side. I’m still that Liz. Just really sad and really insecure, and a lot more angry. I don’t like that I’m angry Liz. I don’t like how mad I have become and how insecure. I don’t like feeling like Husband will talk to his friend's wife or his friend's widow about our relationship before he talks to me. I don’t like that Husband feels like he can’t and won’t talk to me. I don’t like that Husband won’t commit to work on things and make them better. I don’t like that things are so good with Toby, but I don’t know if Husband will take that away from me and it’s scary. I’m really scared about how things will go. I’m really scared about how hard it is to trust Husband. I really really want things to get better. For Husband and I to be a team again. For Husband and I to work together on things. To be empathetic and to be safe. For me to feel like I can ask Husband for help when I need it and that he will be there for me.