July 29, 2016


A brief note from my phone. Months ago.

February 25, 2016 to be exact.

I miss the Husband who was responsive to my concerns, who helped me when I was sad. Who didn’t ignore me when I was crying. The Husband who told me I was beautiful every time he saw me. The Husband who was so certain about our relationship. I miss the Husband who told me that no one would love and cherish me like he would. I miss the Husband who told me he would never leave. That Husband hasn’t been here the last year or so and I miss him. I miss the Liz that I could be when I was secure in knowing that Husband loved me and would keep me safe. The Liz that was looking forward to having kids with Husband. The Liz who worked through hard things with Husband by her side. I’m still that Liz. Just really sad and really insecure, and a lot more angry. I don’t like that I’m angry Liz. I don’t like how mad I have become and how insecure. I don’t like feeling like Husband will talk to his friend's wife or his friend's widow about our relationship before he talks to me. I don’t like that Husband feels like he can’t and won’t talk to me. I don’t like that Husband won’t commit to work on things and make them better. I don’t like that things are so good with Toby, but I don’t know if Husband will take that away from me and it’s scary. I’m really scared about how things will go. I’m really scared about how hard it is to trust Husband. I really really want things to get better. For Husband and I to be a team again. For Husband and I to work together on things. To be empathetic and to be safe. For me to feel like I can ask Husband for help when I need it and that he will be there for me.


  1. I'm no good with words. This breaks my heart and I feel and ache for you Liz. You are amazing and are not alone. If you need to talk, vent or cry let me know. Seriously.

  2. I think that you want what everybody wants and the fact that you had it and know how it feels makes it worse than me, someone who is nearing 30 but has never had that support. I'm sorry you at going through this and I'm not going to spit out some platitude about it making you stronger because when you're going through something you need someone to cut the bullshit and tell you that it sucks. There's a difference between being pessimistic and being realistic and saying that it really sucks is okay. I don't know you well, I worked with you briefly a handful of years ago and I feel like a creeper that I've been reading your blog since then, but you are an awesome person and I wanted to "grow up" to be like you. Remember that under all that hurt is still Awesome Yoga Doing Baseball Loving Yellow Shoe Wearing Liz that inspired me. I see so much of that girl still. You have friends and family that love and adore you, let them catch you and protect you. Don't let go of them and make sure Little Man knows how much you love him. Answer his questions as truthfully as you can because he's going to have a lot of them and he's going to be very confused. And just an FYI, I still want to grow up to be like you.