February 13, 2017

On waking up alone

July 22, 2016 "I woke up this morning thinking I was still in bed with S___, relief when I wasn't"

I woke up quickly with that feeling you sometimes get, not knowing exactly where you are but with a vague sense that things are familiar. I thought I was in S____'s house. Overwhelming dread.  

I opened my eyes and reached out my hands to feel if S____ was there in the bed. He was not. I was alone. The realization hit. I was not in the Queen sized bed at S___'s house. I waain my own king size bed in the apartment I now shared with my dog.  

The importance of my emotional safety cannot be overstated. Marriage is not about being happy all of the time. Marriage is about learning how to become the person we need to become in the space that allows us to be safe while making that growth. 

That bed, the one I worried with dread was where I had awakened, was not a safe place for me. I learned so much during the months that I spent there about how to soothe myself, how to create my own safe space in the middle of emotional chaos, how to establish and maintain boundaries. I left that bed a much better person than I had been. But the leaving of that bed was a relief so strong I never wanted to go back. 

I had become new. 

When I woke up thinking I was back in that terrible place, it felt like regression. 

And backward was not the direction for me.  

So here's to 10 months of forging a new independent path, to a lifetime of progression, to the goal of always waking up in a bed that is a safe space for me to land. 

February 8, 2017

Dog pictures

I really don't have anything to say except Gracie and I have moved and she has a backyard and a puppy friend. 

Meet Koda 



And also she is so happy here and so tired from all the playing. And it makes me so happy. 



So yeah. We're good. But also I need to finish unpacking and if you want to come help, you're more than welcome. 

January 24, 2017

The only life you can save.

"Try to avoid lamenting how sad it is that people 'throw away their marriages these days.' Try not to generalize. I have met hundreds of divorced women who didn't throw their marriages away. Most of us fight like hell for our marriages until we realize that we can either save our marriages or save our souls."

Regardless of how you feel about Glennon Doyle Melton, this is my truth. This is the truth of so many women. I believe marriage is a sacred covenant. I believe that marriage can and should be the supreme partnership between a man and a woman. It should be the way we help each other and learn from each other, and it should be the way we learn how to because like God. To become perfect and loving and selfless. That process can be hard. The growth can be painful. It can be stretching, expansive and terrible. But it should not destroy your soul. 

Just after my divorce, a friend told me, "When I first met you, you were so happy and just had this light.  I slowly watched that light go out. It's nice to see it coming back."

The day I moved out of a home that had been slowly crushing my soul, knowing that I had done absolutely everything in my power to save a marriage that would not be saved, was a day of release, of lightness. I do not look back because I know that it is onward and it is upward from here. 

January 5, 2017

Me and Jesus

I asked Siri to play some music for me the other day. She decided to get mouthy with me. 

Good ol' Siri.