I've never burned a picture of someone before that and I found this in my
scrapbook binder with clear page protectors. I was surprised I still had it. Burning it was both a therapeutic and symbolic gesture. There's something so powerful about being able to say: a terrible thing happened to me and I made it out alive on the other side. Something so freeing about leaving the past in the past and rising from the ashes so to speak.
June 7, 2017
Well I got a new dresser. I was really proud of myself for taking only a couple minutes to decide which one to choose and not being (too) anxious about it. For those who know me, this is a huge step in the right direction.
Do you see how cute that is?! I'm in love. Don't worry, I don't sleep in a twin sized bed because, Hello! You try sleeping with Gracie in a twin. 🤦🏻♀️. They are bringing it by next week and in the meantime I will be rearranging all of the things. If you want to come talk to me or support me morally during this time, please let me know. Ha! Kidding. I love rearranging my room and getting new furniture and what not. So, Congratulations to me.
June 1, 2017
I was reading in Daring Greatly on Tuesday about how connection is the antidote for shame. There was then a quote about some studies that show that writing for 15 to 20 minutes a day for 3 to 4 days can decrease anxiety and depression.
You may remember that at the beginning of March I wrote about my increased anxiety here on my blog. My new therapist recommended writing more in my journal as a part of my "self-care." I did, for about four days, and I felt much better. I think it's interesting but sometimes I'm looking for a complex solutions to things, when really all I need to do is sit down and write out how I'm feeling.
This is not to say that I'm no longer anxious. Nor is it to say that I will no longer be seeing a therapist. (I'm a divorcée for crying out loud). It's just a comment on how sometimes our brains just need to get everything out on paper, right in front of us, staring us in the face, and it helps them figure out how to feel better.
And if you want to read a book where the author did that, I highly recommend Milk and Honey by Rupi Kapur.
May 13, 2017
I've got some devil in my soul today. Some days are like that. So I'm going to go bike the hell out of myself. (Get it?) I'll probably listen to this song on repeat the entire time because the harmonica in it has been clinically proven to be healing to my soul.
May 1, 2017
I've been having fairly regular anxiety attacks again. Usually a sign that something is amiss. In this case I know the cause, but knowing the cause doesn't help me to remove it from my life because it's beyond my control.
So tonight when I cancelled on meditation because I was paralyzed by anxiety, Kristin offered to come sit with me until it passed. I was too distressed to even do that, so she did the calm, right thing in that minute. She asked me to describe what I see, what I hear, what I feel. She slowly over text brought me back to the room and to the sensations I was feeling. She coached me through the sobbing and the pressure in my chest. She coached me and supported me and loved me, until I came out breathing on the other side.
I just keep having people in my life who sit there with me and do exactly what Jesus would do if he were sitting there with me. They tell me it's okay to be broken, to be sad, to feel betrayed. It's okay that I can't do everything all the time, because that's not my job. My job is to do what I can to get through this life and to bring as many people along with me as I can. Dragging and carrying each other sometimes if we must. And if I have any say in the matter, I'll be bringing Ms. Kristin right alongside me to heaven.
And since I don't have any pictures of Kristin on my phone. Here's some pictures of my cat. She'll understand.
April 30, 2017
I left the country for a while to do the whole Eat, Pray, Love thing and it was the best. I also haven't written a blog post in months so here's some pictures of dogs. The Weimeriner (sic) is my brother John's. The sleeping pictures are after they played like mad with her. It was all fun and games until Koda figured out how to open the gate. Good thing my parents don't live on a crazy busy street. Oh wait.
Did I ever mention that I love dogs?
February 13, 2017
July 22, 2016 "I woke up this morning thinking I was still in bed with S___, relief when I wasn't"
I woke up quickly with that feeling you sometimes get, not knowing exactly where you are but with a vague sense that things are familiar. I thought I was in S____'s house. Overwhelming dread.
I opened my eyes and reached out my hands to feel if S____ was there in the bed. He was not. I was alone. The realization hit. I was not in the Queen sized bed at S___'s house. I waain my own king size bed in the apartment I now shared with my dog.
The importance of my emotional safety cannot be overstated. Marriage is not about being happy all of the time. Marriage is about learning how to become the person we need to become in the space that allows us to be safe while making that growth.
That bed, the one I worried with dread was where I had awakened, was not a safe place for me. I learned so much during the months that I spent there about how to soothe myself, how to create my own safe space in the middle of emotional chaos, how to establish and maintain boundaries. I left that bed a much better person than I had been. But the leaving of that bed was a relief so strong I never wanted to go back.
I had become new.
When I woke up thinking I was back in that terrible place, it felt like regression.
And backward was not the direction for me.
So here's to 10 months of forging a new independent path, to a lifetime of progression, to the goal of always waking up in a bed that is a safe space for me to land.
February 8, 2017
I really don't have anything to say except Gracie and I have moved and she has a backyard and a puppy friend.
And also she is so happy here and so tired from all the playing. And it makes me so happy.
So yeah. We're good. But also I need to finish unpacking and if you want to come help, you're more than welcome.
January 24, 2017
"Try to avoid lamenting how sad it is that people 'throw away their marriages these days.' Try not to generalize. I have met hundreds of divorced women who didn't throw their marriages away. Most of us fight like hell for our marriages until we realize that we can either save our marriages or save our souls."
Regardless of how you feel about Glennon Doyle Melton, this is my truth. This is the truth of so many women. I believe marriage is a sacred covenant. I believe that marriage can and should be the supreme partnership between a man and a woman. It should be the way we help each other and learn from each other, and it should be the way we learn how to because like God. To become perfect and loving and selfless. That process can be hard. The growth can be painful. It can be stretching, expansive and terrible. But it should not destroy your soul.
Just after my divorce, a friend told me, "When I first met you, you were so happy and just had this light. I slowly watched that light go out. It's nice to see it coming back."
The day I moved out of a home that had been slowly crushing my soul, knowing that I had done absolutely everything in my power to save a marriage that would not be saved, was a day of release, of lightness. I do not look back because I know that it is onward and it is upward from here.