What if this was the only thing I ever learned at therapy? That would be worth it. But this was only one of the very important things I walked away with today. If you feel stagnant or you want more from life, I recommend therapy. Therapy has changed my life. ❤️
My boyfriend, the one I’ve been dating just about since my last post, broke up with me recently. When I say it was out of nowhere, I mean it was the most unexpected breakup I’ve ever experienced in my life. I spent a full 36 hours feeling shell shocked before I had a moment inspired by (500) Days of Summer.
We had been working on avoidant communication patterns. At therapy, as well as in small interactions where I tried to teach him that it is okay to deliver news to someone that will let them down. Even if that someone is me. It’s okay to hurt my feelings. It’s better to do so sooner than later. That he deserved to express his feelings honestly and that a partner in a relationship deserves to hear how you truly feel about things.
And then, in the culmination of avoidant communication, he broke up with me and didn’t really tell me why. At first I wanted a reason. But as I “looked again,” I don’t actually think that I need a reason. When I looked back on things, I did so through the lens of avoidant communication. I was able to see that even if I don’t really know the reason for the breakup, for me, a breakup is reason enough. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t or won’t communicate openly about problems and feelings. Big or small. I want clarity and honesty and genuineness and kindness. Avoidance isn’t kindness. It’s dishonesty. Being nice when it isn’t honest isn’t actually being nice. It’s a lie.
And so I add that to another of my hard-learned lessons in life. And I say again: people can change. Problems can be solved. Many problems can be solved fairly quickly by solving a basic communication issue. With a few sessions of therapy. But if only one person wants to solve problems, relationships can’t be successful. I can’t do the emotional work of two people. And in that way, he probably saved me a lot of time and effort trying to fix issues that weren’t mine to fix. Doing work that wasn’t my work.
And now I am free to clear my chalk board and start looking for architect jobs. Metaphorically speaking.
