August 28, 2016

My Heart

There's a Toby sized hole in my heart. God has helped to fill it with his love and his care, to soften the sharp edges, to lessen the sting. Still, sometimes I feel it. It happens suddenly. I'll see a picture. I'll think about something he said. Today it was the time we went to Hunter's soccer game and Toby wanted to make him a sign. We had done that for one of his friend's games and it was his idea. We made it in the car. 

Naturally, Hunter loved it. This was maybe the last time they saw each other, I don't remember. All I do know is that when I moved I left a sign on Toby's wall. 
You guys, he doesn't deserve this life. This life where there's no sense of permanence. Where he doesn't know how long someone will be there. Where just when he feels secure, his life is uprooted again. 

How do you explain that instability to a seven year old, or if you're like me, hope that someone is explaining it to him because you don't get to. I left a note in every book I gave him telling him how much I love him. But will he remember? 

I got some advice that every time I think about him I should put my hand over my heart and send him some love, say a prayer that he will be safe. That he will be well. And I do. And I hope he can feel it. But oh, my heart. A piece of me will always be with Toby. 

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