Finalized

My divorce was finalized today. It's a mixed bag of emotions. Last week when I learned that it was close, I started sobbing. I called my mom. She was supportive. And then she said something profound. "Remember when you used to cry like this every day?" And that's true. I cried like that multiple times a week until I moved out. The crying didn't stop completely when I moved, but it sure slowed down. 

Today when I got the news, I didn't cry. I was glad to feel some relief. I sent a text to Janae telling her it was official with a fist emoji. She said, "fist like you want to punch some one or like pound it?" And it was more like pound it. Look. I made it out alive. 

I managed to stave off tears listening to this song on repeat until I didn't want to hear it again. 

 

She got me through breakups in college, so why not now? 

Traci and Maizy brought me a BLT, which might sound surprising since I don't like bacon. But it's what I felt like eating today. And they chatted and lifted my spirits and it was just all in all nice to have some company. 

And if nothing else I've learned, it's that there is something so liberating about going through a terrible experience, one that is so hard you aren't sure you'll make it through, and then coming out on the other side alive. Touch my arms, legs, torso...intact. I mean, definitely damaged a bit. But also more substantial. And knowing that the damage won't last forever. It's reassuring. It helps you believe in your own strength more than just about anything other than being able to bench press like 200 pounds. Which is basically impossible, so we take our strength where it comes. Even if it comes in struggle.