She's a Jar

"She's a jar with a heavy lid."

What does that lyric by Wilco even mean?! I don't even know but it's one of my favorite lines. 

Also, 

"My face gets sick, stuck like a question unposed."

"Just climb aboard the tracks of a trains arm in my fragile family tree. And watch me floating inches above the people under me." 

What does it even mean? 

It doesn't matter because I love it so much. 

And don't ruin it for me like someone did Brick by Ben Folds. Just let me have this crazy happy lyrical mystery. 

Toxins and such

Leaving my massage therapy appointment and there's obviously a serious TOXIN FLUSH happening. 

I wanna see you be brave

Brilliant Cate posted an article reviewing two books, one of which was Room by Emma Donahue. I read it and was struck by this phrase. 

"Scared is what you’re feeling. Brave is what you’re doing.”

If anything applies to my life right now that does. Today I laid in bed most of the day after taking anxiety medicine and got up long enough for a walk, for therapy, to spend some time with my mom (the kindest and most validative person on the planet). Today there was a lot of crying. A LOT OF CRYING. But I'm still here. I may be  scared out of my mind and be unable to eat because I'm so wound up,  but that doesn't matter. 

BRAVE IS WHAT I'M DOING 

Brave is getting out of my bed to take my dog on a nice long walk before therapy. Brave is all the work I’m doing to improve myself: at therapy, with my family, in my other relationships. Brave is buying a house and painting it by myself. Brave is changing electrical outlets and meeting new people, and talking to people when it’s scary. Brave is going to work even when my brain feels like I'm never going to be okay and might even die while I'm there. Brave is being compassionate and helping people through their struggles even as I am engulfed in my own. Brave is setting boundaries and standing up for what is right. Brave is dating. Brave is choosing to be vulnerable with people who have earned my vulnerability. Brave is saying no when something social is beyond my emotional reach. Brave is cuddling in bed with my dog while wishing I could disappear, dissolve into nothing. Brave is every day I get out of my bed and do something, literally any little thing  that may help me someday feel better than I do today. 

Divorceiversary

It's my divorceiversary! 

This means a few very important things. 

1. I am apparently dateable again. I have it on good authority that those who have been divorced less than a year are still crazy and damaged. Apparently I am no longer either. 

2. To celebrate I bought myself a house. 

3. My dog celebrated in usual fashion by ripping off her collar and spreading fur all over our (new!) living room. Because she still hates her crate. 

4. I am officially in the black again. Unless you count my mortgage. 

5. I have never been happier with a decision than I am with my decision to get divorced. 

Where I am today is hundreds of times better than where I was a year and a half ago. I've spent the last year traveling, recuperating from hip surgery, healing emotionally, in therapy, learning how to communicate better, forgive more, and be comfortable with not knowing what my future holds. 

View from a walk with the dog

Wiser Self (pt. 2)

Alta sent me this picture a few days ago. On the left, married and miserable. On the right, two years divorced and you can actually see her radiance. 

I've heard this metaphor before about the way a bad marriage snuffs your light out. I've also lived that metaphor. And so has she. 

When I met Alta she had just lost 25 pounds in two weeks after having her heart ripped out by her ex. She wasn't sure she was going to make it. But here we are three years later and Alta is killing it at life. 

Her friend told her recently how much she hates [he who must not be named] and Alta said, "It's okay I don't hate him anymore." She doesn't have time for that kind of negativity. She's got things to do and a wiser self to become. But her friend has her back in the best kind of way, "That's alright, I'll hate him for you. I'll hate him forever." (If that isn't the best kind of friendship, I surely don't know what is). 

So again, to any of you that can't find your light, it's there. You'll get through whatever it is that put your light out in the first place. You'll find your light and you will be radiant once again. Hang in there. 

Optimism

Just being optimistic about how much I'll be able to sleep after my night shift. 11 hours. Power of suggestion? Fingers crossed?