January 25, 2018

Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf was born today. Feminist writer and all around Genius. If you don't know about her, start with the movie The Hours. There is a scene with Julianne Moore that is perhaps one of the most powerful scenes I've seen dealing with suicide. 


Thanks to Google for reminding me of her big day, I've done a lot of thinking about the Shakespeare's Sister section of A Room of One's Own. It makes me so grateful  to be alive now and to be a woman now. It is because of women like Virginia that we are where we are. That we are able to do what we want. That I can sit writing this in my own room. In my own house. Is this the future she imagined for women? And if not, what can I do about it? How can I be Virginia for a future woman? 





If you've never read A Room of One's Own, here's the crux: 

"Be that as it may, I could not help thinking, as I looked at the works of Shakespeare on the shelf, that the bishop was right at least in this; it would have been impossible, completely and entirely, for any woman to have written the plays of Shakespeare in the age of Shakespeare. Let me imagine, since facts are so hard to come by, what would have happened had Shakespeare had a wonderfully gifted sister, called Judith, let us say. Shakespeare himself went, very probably—his mother was an heiress—to the grammar school, where he may have learnt Latin—Ovid, Virgil and Horace—and the elements of grammar and logic. He was, it is well known, a wild boy who poached rabbits, perhaps shot a deer, and had, rather sooner than he should have done, to marry a woman in the neighbourhood, who bore him a child rather quicker than was right. That escapade sent him to seek his fortune in London. He had, it seemed, a taste for the theatre; he began by holding horses at the stage door. Very soon he got work in the theatre, became a successful actor, and lived at the hub of the universe, meeting everybody, knowing everybody, practising his art on the boards, exercising his wits in the streets, and even getting access to the palace of the queen. Meanwhile his extraordinarily gifted sister, let us suppose, remained at home. She was as adventurous, as imaginative, as agog to see the world as he was. But she was not sent to school. She had no chance of learning grammar and logic, let alone of reading Horace and Virgil. She picked up a book now and then, one of her brother’s perhaps, and read a few pages. But then her parents came in and told her to mend the stockings or mind the stew and not moon about with books and papers. They would have spoken sharply but kindly, for they were substantial people who knew the conditions of life for a woman and loved their daughter—indeed, more likely than not she was the apple of her father’s eye. Perhaps she scribbled some pages up in an apple loft on the sly but was careful to hide them or set fire to them. Soon, however, before she was out of her teens, she was to be betrothed to the son of a neighbouring woolstapler. She cried out that marriage was hateful to her, and for that she was severely beaten by her father. Then he ceased to scold her. He begged her instead not to hurt him, not to shame him in this matter of her marriage. He would give her a chain of beads or a fine petticoat, he said; and there were tears in his eyes. How could she disobey him? How could she break his heart? The force of her own gift alone drove her to it. She made up a small parcel of her belongings, let herself down by a rope one summer’s night and took the road to London. She was not seventeen. The birds that sang in the hedge were not more musical than she was. She had the quickest fancy, a gift like her brother’s, for the tune of words. Like him, she had a taste for the theatre. She stood at the stage door; she wanted to act, she said. Men laughed in her face. The manager—a fat, loose-lipped man—guffawed. He bellowed something about poodles dancing and women acting—no woman, he said, could possibly be an actress. He hinted—you can imagine what. She could get no training in her craft. Could she even seek her dinner in a tavern or roam the streets at midnight? Yet her genius was for fiction and lusted to feed abundantly upon the lives of men and women and the study of their ways. At last—for she was very young, oddly like Shakespeare the poet in her face, with the same grey eyes and rounded brows—at last Nick Greene the actor-manager took pity on her; she found herself with child by that gentleman and so—who shall measure the heat and violence of the poet’s heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body?—killed herself one winter’s night and lies buried at some cross-roads where the omnibuses now stop outside the Elephant and Castle."


January 11, 2018

New Years Resolutions

My goal is to listen to the top 20 songs from every year 1960-1979. I have to be honest, 60-63 were a bit rough but 1964!!! The year the Beatles come onto the scene and The Kinks. I never really realized how much the Beatles changed the game. Rock and roll started, and man I love it so much. 

December 28, 2017

She's a Jar

"She's a jar with a heavy lid."

What does that lyric by Wilco even mean?! I don't even know but it's one of my favorite lines. 

Also, 

"My face gets sick, stuck like a question unposed."

"Just climb aboard the tracks of a trains arm in my fragile family tree. And watch me floating inches above the people under me." 

What does it even mean? 

It doesn't matter because I love it so much. 

And don't ruin it for me like someone did Brick by Ben Folds. Just let me have this crazy happy lyrical mystery. 


December 12, 2017

Toxins and such

Leaving my massage therapy appointment and there's obviously a serious TOXIN FLUSH happening. 


October 24, 2017

I wanna see you be brave

Brilliant Cate posted an article reviewing two books, one of which was Room by Emma Donahue. I read it and was struck by this phrase. 

"Scared is what you’re feeling. Brave is what you’re doing.”

If anything applies to my life right now that does. Today I laid in bed most of the day after taking anxiety medicine and got up long enough for a walk, for therapy, to spend some time with my mom (the kindest and most validative person on the planet). Today there was a lot of crying. A LOT OF CRYING. But I'm still here. I may be  scared out of my mind and be unable to eat because I'm so wound up,  but that doesn't matter. 

BRAVE IS WHAT I'M DOING 

Brave is getting out of my bed to take my dog on a nice long walk before therapy. Brave is all the work I’m doing to improve myself: at therapy, with my family, in my other relationships. Brave is buying a house and painting it by myself. Brave is changing electrical outlets and meeting new people, and talking to people when it’s scary. Brave is going to work even when my brain feels like I'm never going to be okay and might even die while I'm there. Brave is being compassionate and helping people through their struggles even as I am engulfed in my own. Brave is setting boundaries and standing up for what is right. Brave is dating. Brave is choosing to be vulnerable with people who have earned my vulnerability. Brave is saying no when something social is beyond my emotional reach. Brave is cuddling in bed with my dog while wishing I could disappear, dissolve into nothing. Brave is every day I get out of my bed and do something, literally any little thing  that may help me someday feel better than I do today. 



September 1, 2017

Divorceiversary

It's my divorceiversary! 
This means a few very important things. 

1. I am apparently dateable again. I have it on good authority that those who have been divorced less than a year are still crazy and damaged. Apparently I am no longer either. 

2. To celebrate I bought myself a house. 

3. My dog celebrated in usual fashion by ripping off her collar and spreading fur all over our (new!) living room. Because she still hates her crate. 




4. I am officially in the black again. Unless you count my mortgage. 

5. I have never been happier with a decision than I am with my decision to get divorced. 

Where I am today is hundreds of times better than where I was a year and a half ago. I've spent the last year traveling, recuperating from hip surgery, healing emotionally, in therapy, learning how to communicate better, forgive more, and be comfortable with not knowing what my future holds. 


















































































August 12, 2017

Wiser Self (pt. 2)

Alta sent me this picture a few days ago. On the left, married and miserable. On the right, two years divorced and you can actually see her radiance. 

I've heard this metaphor before about the way a bad marriage snuffs your light out. I've also lived that metaphor. And so has she. 

When I met Alta she had just lost 25 pounds in two weeks after having her heart ripped out by her ex. She wasn't sure she was going to make it. But here we are three years later and Alta is killing it at life. 

Her friend told her recently how much she hates [he who must not be named] and Alta said, "It's okay I don't hate him anymore." She doesn't have time for that kind of negativity. She's got things to do and a wiser self to become. But her friend has her back in the best kind of way, "That's alright, I'll hate him for you. I'll hate him forever." (If that isn't the best kind of friendship, I surely don't know what is). 

So again, to any of you that can't find your light, it's there. You'll get through whatever it is that put your light out in the first place. You'll find your light and you will be radiant once again. Hang in there. 




August 6, 2017

Optimism

Just being optimistic about how much I'll be able to sleep after my night shift. 11 hours. Power of suggestion? Fingers crossed?