Legs up the wall

Put your legs up the wall if you're super good at matching workout clothes. Blue and green and pink and black and all of the patterns. 

Mental Game

Literally two minutes after I posted that, Goddess Glennon posted this on Insta. 

Let's do this. We can do the meditation for 45 minutes. We can do whatever the hard things are today. 

Lone Survivor and Surviving Meditation Class

I've been listening to the audiobook Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. He talks a ton about surviving SEAL training and specifically Hell Week by just focusing on the task in front of you, taking it one task, and one day, at a time. And I mean I know that's it's like really really physically demanding to become a SEAL but I keep thinking it's totally a mental game. So last night I head to meditation class ready to get my serene on like you wouldn't believe. It's all a mental game. LITERALLY. There is literally no physical aspect of meditation. And if Marcus Luttrell can make it through SEAL training, I can certainly make it through a 45 minute meditation class no problem, right?! False! 

Because, you guys, I forgot to take my watch off. And so when the time felt like it would never end, I was like I'll just take a quick little look at the time...WHAT?! IT'S ONLY BEEN 30 MINUTES?! And it was a downhill from there. I mean I made it to the end of the class, but I might as well have been in a torture session. 

You guys! Why is the mental game so hard sometimes?! I know that's the point of meditation class, to practice the mental game, but can't it be a little easier sometimes?!

Don't worry, I'm going back to class on Wednesday. Maybe this time I won't wear a watch? How do y'all conquer the mental game? 

Siri and Podcasts

My phone has a very nice medical vocabulary, Siri on the other hand is recalcitrant to education. I was trying to save a note from my emergency medicine podcast. "Does the murmur radiate to the carotids?" Siri was close, but not quite. 

Podcast recommendation for my ER peeps: EM Basic. 

Picture to burn.

If you follow me on instagram, you already saw this, but I think it bears repeating. 

I've never burned a picture of someone before that and I found this in my scrapbook binder with clear page protectors. I was surprised I still had it. Burning it was both a therapeutic and symbolic gesture. There's something so powerful about being able to say: a terrible thing happened to me and I made it out alive on the other side. Something so freeing about leaving the past in the past and rising from the ashes so to speak. 

 

New dresser.

Well I got a new dresser. I was really proud of myself for taking only a couple minutes to decide which one to choose and not being (too) anxious about it. For those who know me, this is a huge step in the right direction. 

 

Do you see how cute that is?! I'm in love. Don't worry, I don't sleep in a twin sized bed because, Hello! You try sleeping with Gracie in a twin. 🤦🏻‍♀️. They are bringing it by next week and in the meantime I will be rearranging all of the things. If you want to come talk to me or support me morally during this time, please let me know.  Ha! Kidding. I love rearranging my room and getting new furniture and what not.  So, Congratulations to me. 

Anxiety and writing

I was reading in Daring Greatly on Tuesday about how connection is the antidote for shame. There was then a quote about some studies that show that writing for 15 to 20 minutes a day for 3 to 4 days can decrease anxiety and depression. 

You may remember that at the beginning of March I wrote about my increased anxiety here on my blog. My new therapist recommended writing more in my journal as a part of my "self-care." I did, for about four days, and I felt much better. I think it's interesting but sometimes I'm looking for a complex solutions to things, when really all I need to do is sit down and write out how I'm feeling.

This is not to say that I'm no longer anxious. Nor is it to say that I will no longer be seeing a therapist. (I'm a divorcée for crying out loud). It's just a comment on how sometimes our brains just need to get everything out on paper, right in front of us, staring us in the face, and it helps them figure out how to feel better.

And if you want to read a book where the author did that, I highly recommend Milk and Honey by Rupi Kapur. 

The Devil in my Soul

I've got some devil in my soul today. Some days are like that. So I'm going to go bike the hell out of myself. (Get it?) I'll probably listen to this song on repeat the entire time because the harmonica in it has been clinically proven to be healing to my soul. 

 

Carry me

I've been having fairly regular anxiety  attacks again. Usually a sign that something is amiss. In this case I know the cause, but knowing the cause doesn't help me to remove it from my life because it's beyond my control. 

So tonight when I cancelled on meditation because I was paralyzed by anxiety, Kristin offered to come sit with me until it passed. I was too distressed to even do that, so she did the calm, right thing in that minute. She asked me to describe what I see, what I hear, what I feel. She slowly over text brought me back to the room and to the sensations I was feeling. She coached me through the sobbing and the pressure in my chest. She coached me and supported me and loved me, until I came out breathing on the other side. 

I just keep having people in my life who sit there with me and do exactly what Jesus would do if he were sitting there with me. They tell me it's okay to be broken, to be sad, to feel betrayed. It's okay that I can't do everything all the time, because that's not my job. My job is to do what I can to get through this life and to bring as many people along with me as I can. Dragging and carrying each other sometimes if we must. And if I have any say in the matter, I'll be bringing Ms. Kristin right alongside me to heaven. 

 

 

And since I don't have any pictures of Kristin on my phone. Here's some pictures of my cat. She'll understand. 

April 20

Before my hip started randomly hurting like mad, I went on the best sunshiney bikeride.