Views

Seriously, this is the view from the ER where I work. It doesn't get much better. 

Dating Someone who has Children

When I started dating my now ex-husband, there was a lot of new ground for me to cover. He was the first man I had ever dated who had been divorced, and the only man I'd dated who had a child. A few years back, I had gone through a bad break up and had felt since then that I needed to be open to dating someone who had kids.

When I started dating a man with a child, I googled everything I could find about how to date someone with kids, and found this blog post to be the most helpful. http://m.blogher.com/advice-dating-people-children-when-you-are-childfree. I read this post multiple times and saw mention of the book Career Girls Guide To Becoming a Stepmom. I highly recommend it. I read the book and took copious notes. There were a few things that I found very helpful for me on my journey toward becoming a stepmother. 

1.  Choosing to date or marry someone who has a child is probably not what you pictured in your twelve year old fantasy about how your life would be. This will make you sad. Terribly sad. There will be tears. Lots and lots of tears. Get a good therapist and a best friend who will help you work through the grief of giving up the life you expected. 

2.  Meeting the ex-wife is not awesome. Hearing about her. Talking to her. All of it is not awesome. Your man will likely not understand how difficult this is for you. It will be difficult. Again, talk through things with an objective third party observer before you talk to your man about them. TRUST ME. This will save countless fights and nights of tears. There will be enough tears. Trust me. 

3. You're going to fall in love with the kids. If you don't, by all means do not get married. Children from broken homes need stability. They need empathetic adults who will help provide them with the tools they need to succeed in a very difficult situation. If you don't like the kid, get out. I mean it. But chances are that the child will have inherent goodness and will enrich your life in unexpected ways. Be open to that goodness. 

4. It's okay to expect respect. If the child is not being respectful to you, it's okay to say that you expect to be respected. Dad will support you in this if you've picked a good guy. If he doesn't support you in this, consider if that is something you are willing to choose for your life. If he supports you, it's likely that the child will respect you. You teach people how to treat you, and it's your job to set the boundaries of what you can and can't tolerate in your interpersonal relationships. 

5. Sometimes you're just not going to want to be around the kid. From what I hear, this happens with your own children as well, but I do believe that the dynamic is different in a step family. It is absolutely essential that you take care of your emotional needs first. If you don't, you'll start to resent the kiddo and that does not help anyone. 

6. At all times, remember this: it is not the child's fault. I repeat: it is not the child's fault. He was placed in a very difficult situation by choices he had no control over. He's going to be distressed sometimes when he has to leave his mom's house or his dad's house. His world is unstable. He needs you to support him. He needs you to choose to do what's best for him even when his parents are acting crazy. Even when your feelings are hurt. Even when you'd rather do anything in the world than the thing you have to do, it is not the child's fault. It's important that you take care of your basic needs so you can do what the child needs you to. Remember in this process that it is also not your fault. You choose what you choose, but it is not your job to remedy every wrong. Only the Savior can do that.  The thing that has helped me the most is remembering that I am an empathetic adult who is here to help the child become an empathetic adult. And that means letting go of the things I can't control, withdrawing from situations when I need to, and being open to love when it's available.

Let me end by saying that my relationship with this little guy, has easily taught me the most about life and about the kind of person I want to be. He's taught me about love and laughter and forgiveness. About resilience and humor. If you're going to date, or even marry someone with kids, you have so much to learn and so much love ahead of you. I wish you all the best.

What's with the life preserver?

This little lady had zip up pink gladiator sandals on the other day. We asked her, "Are you a soldier?" 

She said, "This is not a soldier coat, it's a life jacket." 

Hello McFly. 

Texting a seven year old

I found this screen shot the other day from a text conversation with my little man. 

You should have seen the shock and awe when he saw that I found a police car and light emoji. 

He's the most best. 

My Phone Loves the Beastie Boys

Yesterday I was talking to Jenn about her sister's Kate Spade bracelet. 

It's pretty awesome right? 

So then today I was texting Jessie and here's what my autocorrect did. 

NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN. 

Aerosols

Gracie hates when I spray aerosols. She sneezes and leaves the room. But apparently when I put my sunscreen on in the car, this is how she copes. 

Meanwhile it was too sunny outside so this is how little man fell asleep. 

As you know, these two are such happy points in my life. 

I'm going to post this quote now and expound on it later.

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Albert Camus

It comes from this entire lovely letter. 

My dear, In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that… In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back. Truly yours, Albert Camus

The local grocery store

When you need a brush in a pinch, your local grocery store can provide exactly the pattern you want.

Coincidentally, this pattern will also help maintain your status as the favorite aunt to three tween nieces. 

Am inspiring thought from Caitlin Moran

"Here is a promise, and a fact: you will never, in your life, ever have to deal with anything more than the next minute. However much it feels like you are approaching an event – an exam, a conversation a decision, a kiss – where , if you screw it up, the entire future will just burn to hell in front of you and you will end: you are not. That will never happen. That is not what happens.

The minutes always come one at a time, inside hours that come one at a time, inside days that come one at a time – all orderly strung, like pearls on a necklace, suspended in a graceful line. You will never, ever, have to deal with more than the next 60 seconds.

Do the calm, right thing that needs to be done in the minute. The work, or the breathing or the smile. You can do that, just for one minute. And if you can do a minute, you can do the next.”

Balanced breakfast