The Devil in my Soul

I've got some devil in my soul today. Some days are like that. So I'm going to go bike the hell out of myself. (Get it?) I'll probably listen to this song on repeat the entire time because the harmonica in it has been clinically proven to be healing to my soul. 

 

Carry me

I've been having fairly regular anxiety  attacks again. Usually a sign that something is amiss. In this case I know the cause, but knowing the cause doesn't help me to remove it from my life because it's beyond my control. 

So tonight when I cancelled on meditation because I was paralyzed by anxiety, Kristin offered to come sit with me until it passed. I was too distressed to even do that, so she did the calm, right thing in that minute. She asked me to describe what I see, what I hear, what I feel. She slowly over text brought me back to the room and to the sensations I was feeling. She coached me through the sobbing and the pressure in my chest. She coached me and supported me and loved me, until I came out breathing on the other side. 

I just keep having people in my life who sit there with me and do exactly what Jesus would do if he were sitting there with me. They tell me it's okay to be broken, to be sad, to feel betrayed. It's okay that I can't do everything all the time, because that's not my job. My job is to do what I can to get through this life and to bring as many people along with me as I can. Dragging and carrying each other sometimes if we must. And if I have any say in the matter, I'll be bringing Ms. Kristin right alongside me to heaven. 

 

 

And since I don't have any pictures of Kristin on my phone. Here's some pictures of my cat. She'll understand.