Foreboding

A brief note from my phone. Months ago.

February 25, 2016 to be exact.

I miss the Husband who was responsive to my concerns, who helped me when I was sad. Who didn’t ignore me when I was crying. The Husband who told me I was beautiful every time he saw me. The Husband who was so certain about our relationship. I miss the Husband who told me that no one would love and cherish me like he would. I miss the Husband who told me he would never leave. That Husband hasn’t been here the last year or so and I miss him. I miss the Liz that I could be when I was secure in knowing that Husband loved me and would keep me safe. The Liz that was looking forward to having kids with Husband. The Liz who worked through hard things with Husband by her side. I’m still that Liz. Just really sad and really insecure, and a lot more angry. I don’t like that I’m angry Liz. I don’t like how mad I have become and how insecure. I don’t like feeling like Husband will talk to his friend's wife or his friend's widow about our relationship before he talks to me. I don’t like that Husband feels like he can’t and won’t talk to me. I don’t like that Husband won’t commit to work on things and make them better. I don’t like that things are so good with Toby, but I don’t know if Husband will take that away from me and it’s scary. I’m really scared about how things will go. I’m really scared about how hard it is to trust Husband. I really really want things to get better. For Husband and I to be a team again. For Husband and I to work together on things. To be empathetic and to be safe. For me to feel like I can ask Husband for help when I need it and that he will be there for me.

Personal Assistant

I don't know how working moms do it. Or stay at home moms either actually. How do you all get so much done?? I feel like I need a personal assistant to help me do things like grocery shop and clean the litter box and remind me not to forget my medicine or my keys. Today is one of those get off at five and head straight out of town days. Except that I can't actually do that because prior to driving for 4 hours, I have to sleep. It's not optional. Especially because there is no DDP in my house because #quitcaffeine2016. So. Goodnight morning world. I'll wake up in a few hours, pick up my favorite dog from boarding and embark on a weekend adventure with my dog, my nieces and nephews, and my family. It will be lovely. But darn it I wish my personal assistant could clean my kitchen while I sleep and go buy food for the Friday family lunch. Maybe pack my clothes for me. I'm not picky.

One last thought for the night. Tonight was my last shift as Trauma Liz. It was bittersweet. So many dear friends. I've felt like work was like play because of how awesome the people I work with are. I also feel an insane amount of peace about the road I'm taking and the current trajectory of my life.

Also I didn't spell check because it's 0557 in the morning and it's bedtime. Please avert your judgment.

The Time an Eight Year Old Girl Saved the Day at Church

Today in Relief Society (the women's meeting at my church), our lesson was about the importance of counseling together as families. We divided into four groups to discuss the different types of family councils. 

My group was selected to discuss executive family coucils. Those that consist of a husband and wife meeting together to discuss their relationship as well as their children. Naturally I began to feel sad. 

I left the room and went into the Mother's Room. I sat down alone on  an armchair and cried. 

A little girl entered the room and looked at me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"Do you know what divorce is?"

"Yes"

"Well I'm getting divorced and it is sad."

She sat down on the chair by me and started talking. She had a 19 year old sister who has a new husband and she's pregnant, two brothers-ages 16 and 14. Then her. She's 8. She has a step dad now. Her mom is pregnant and is going to have a baby at the same time as her sister. She thinks her mom will get divorced from her stepdad soon. Her stepdad is a little nice, a little mean, and a lot sad. She is visiting her dad today who lives in my congregation. 

I told her that my husband had a son, 7 years old, my stepson. We talked a bit about how he would be starting 2nd grade and she would be starting 3rd. She already knows how to write her name in cursive.

I noticed a cute little purse on her lap. I told her I liked it. 

She opened the zipper. "I have something I want to give to your stepson." 

She found it in the road once and a car almost ran over it, but she saved it because she wanted to have it.

I told her thank you. Then I said "Did you know that before you came in here, I was crying and I was sad, and I said a prayer that someone would come in and help me feel better. And do you know who came in?"

She pointed to herself. "Me?"

"Yes."

Standing up, she said with authority "I think you should go back to class now."

And I did. 

And that my friends is how it's done. Kids for the win. 

CTR Gummies

In my church we have an acronym we learn in Sunday School "CTR." It stands for "Choose The Right," and becomes a bit of a mantra, something we remember when we think about making a bad choice. When we are officially baptized at the age of 8, it's common practice to be gifted a CTR ring such as this one.

Everytime we see the ring, it's supposed to remind us to choose the right-make good choices. Well today I was at Deseret Book looking at candy because sometimes I do that at bookstores. They had these delightful little gummy candies that made me smile. 

That cute little saying from my childhood. 

I went to buy a bag of the candy, but bad news, they tasted terrible, terrible. I did however get nostalgic and remembered how glad I am that the grown-ups in my life taught me such powerful lessons about how to live while I was a child. And I felt a whimsical desire to buy myself a new CTR ring, because really, who couldn't use a little support in choosing the right? I know I could. 

Tired

This is how I feel pretty much all the time lately. 

Puppy Best Friends

I had to get through so many dog pics to get to this one from last night. I'm still trying to decide how embarrassed I should be about that. Gracie and Koda had a reunion straight out of Homeward Bound. Tears were shed, tennis balls were stolen, slobber was shared, a child's face was puppy kissed. You know, just all the best things. Summer breeze. Gym shorts on the grass. Catching up with a good friend. Life is okay sometimes, you know?

Separation Anxiety

My dog has separation anxiety. We moved out about 2 months ago and she misses Sarge like crazy. I got her a cat Who I named Toothless 

He was free at the Humane Society. Front declawed (poor guy), neutered, good with dogs and kids. Eight years old and lived with the same family since he was born. Their elderly relative moved in and was allergic and their loss was our gain. Gracie is doing a bit better with him around. 

But today I got dressed for church and I think she knew I was leaving because she took up a door step vigil making sure I wouldn't leave without her. 

Unfortunately it didn't work because bringing my dog to worship with me would be both against the rules and highly distracting. The good thing is that every time I get home, she has nothing but love for me. And it's a nice light during a dark time. 

I miss Toby more than you can imagine, and this is how I cope. 

Meditation is the new black

My anxious yoga doing friend Kristin was telling Janae and I after our last community action yoga about her therapy homework.  One month her therapist assigned her to meditate for ten minutes daily. It turns out that when anxious people get therapy homework, we kill it. We kill it because we want our therapists to like us and think we are the best therapy patients in all of time. Because anxiety. 

So Kristin did just that. She meditated for ten minutes a day for an entire month. It changed her life. That struck a chord with me. While I've always been an avid lover of savassanah at yoga, I have never been a regular mediatator. So I decided to give daily meditation a go. Turns out that there are multiple apps and guided meditations on iTunes and in the app store. I have been listening to a guided meditation each night while I fall asleep. I downloaded Buddhify app with multiple meditations for situations which I face every day-things like getting out of bed. 

And tonight the meditation will be for well being and weight loss. I often fall asleep. I don't mind. My journey into meditation means calming my mind and removing the unsettled feeling that often plagues those of us with anxiety. And if that means extra sleep, especially at first, then so be it. I forgive myself. Meditation is going to be a practice, like yoga with ups and downs, but there will be no rights or wrongs because all meditative time, will over weeks or months or years or whatever may come, bring me closer to the spirit and closer to living my life with daily intention. Namaste. 

Details, details

At least the person who cut this pizza pays extreme attention to details, or in other words: worst cut pizza I have ever seen. But if you want a tiny piece of pizza, you know where to find it.